Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Thu Mar 01, 2007 at 11:34:15 pm EST
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Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? Part Two
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Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? Part Two



The study’s lights were dimmed for the comfort of the dacha’s guest; the blinds over the one-way, bullet-proof, smoked security glass were drawn. Dr. Gregor Vassilych always saw to the needs of his clients, and illumination was the bane of the Hole Man’s existence.

The Troglodyte Tyrant flared his significant nostrils in the direction of his host, “I am not one who deals with underlings, X.”

“Of course not,” Factor X said soothingly from his desk.

“In the past, I was willing to negotiate with the Mind’s Eye due to her… special status within your organization. However, to send a low level paper-shuffler when I need your services shows a lack of respect.”

“Again, I apologize. Now,” the Middleman of Metacrime leaned forward, “How can I be of assistance, Your Majesty?”

The Hole Man, satisfied with the Russian’s obsequiousness, explained, “The American military is in possession of an artifact that I desire. It is being stored at one of their bases.”

“What is it?”

“That is not your concern.”

“Of course, of course. However, if I am to help you with the retrieval of the item in question –“

“Fine; it’s a stone. Of significant size.”

“Bigger than a bread box?” Factor X grinned.

“Than a bread truck,” Hole Man retorted humorlessly, “The surface dwellers are examining it, struggling to discern its secrets.”

“How do you know they haven’t already? Learned its secrets, that is?”

“I know,” the Lord of the World Beneath intoned, but would not elaborate.

Vassilych nodded. He knew more than he let on of course; he always did. His organization had found the location of the object, and its specifications. They even had formed three hypotheses as to the stone’s function. He reached into his desk and withdrew a rock of his own, “This crystal has been psychically imprinted. It allows us to store audio and visual data without fear of decryption by the authorities. Take it in your hands, think ‘Demolition Gang, and you will telepathically receive information about who I recommend for this assignment.”

The Hole Man squinted from behind his goggles, but complied, “Demolition Gang,” he muttered.

The piezo electrical energy in the crystal powered a convincing presentation for the villain. He gave X a yellowed, snaggle-toothed sneer, “Yes. They’ll do nicely. Your usual fee, Doctor?”

“Eight hundred kilograms of proto-transmundium,” Gregor agreed, “For a man of your resources, it’s a bargain.”

*****


“So that’s the plan,” Katarina Allen said in summation, “I clean the apartment and make dinner, while you get the stuff we need from the mansion and the store.”

From the other side of the booth Dominic Clancy nodded, “All right.”

The slender blonde watched as her boyfriend hunched over his coffee, “I hate lying to Dad like this,” she admitted.

“That’s understandable.”

“But it’s the only way. We can’t have him over to the mansion, without telling him who you really are. And its…”

“Too early?” the Man of Might offered.

“Right. Too early. We’re going to have to take this slow. Its going to take a while for him to adjust to the fact we’re dating, let alone that you’re a superhero.”

Dominic hated the designation, but let it pass, “Or that we live together.”

“Or that, yeah,” Kat sighed, “I really hate lying to him.”

“But for the moment, we have to.”

The woman smiled slightly, “He’s not going to make it easy on us either; get ready for the third degree.”

The big man’s humor improved, “Don’t worry; I had good luck getting along with the fathers of my girlfriends,” his eyes twinkled.

“I bet. You can be quite the charmer, when you try.”

Dominic kept smiling, “It’s my inner Eddie Haskell.”

“Who?” the weaver from Bienville was a born too late (and into a family without cable) to get the reference.

“It’s a television character. Nevermind, it was a dumb joke.”

“But at least it was a joke,” Kat said encouragingly, “Baby steps.”

“Heh,” Dominic stood to bus their plates, and nearly collided with the Bean and Donut Bar’s newest employee.

“Eep!” Tandi exclaimed, stepping back. She managed to keep hold of the tray she carried; at least until she recognized who she almost run into.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry,” she squeaked as she bent down to gather up the debris.

“It was my fault. Let me help-“

“No!” the redheaded Robo sapien said hurriedly, not looking up from her work, “It’s OK. I got it.”

“Hi, Tandi,” Kat said from the booth.

“Um, hi,” Tandi finished cleaning up and stood. Her eyes darted over to Kat, then back to Dominic, though she avoided eye contact. She smiled queasily, apologized again, and scurried away.

“I think the job is getting to her,” Katarina noted with some sympathy.

“I doubt it’s the job,” Epitome surmised, “Her issue is more likely with me.”

“Why?”

“She’s Robo American, Kat.”

The pretty young weaver shook her head, “Nobody blames you for what happened with those interned robots, Dominic. Or at least, no one should.”

“They should,” the Legionnaire disagreed, “I thought putting them in the Virtual World would keep them safe. And that plan failed. Spectacularly.”

“People make mistakes, Dom.”

“The United States government spent $75 million of the taxpayers’ money on me so I wouldn’t make mistakes,” realizing he was veering into the realm of self-pity, the Exemplary Man moved on, “There are other reasons, too. She may be concerned about being arrested, given her, ah, status,” Tandi was an unregistered synthetic life form, in violation of American law.

Kat had to agree with that possibility, “Well, that’s easy enough to straighten out. Just channel your inner Eddie Hatfield, or whoever.”

“Heh. Maybe later,” Epitome promised with a grin, though he was as enthused about the prospect of another encounter with the Robo American as she was.

*****


Once the Hole Man was bundled off to his waiting Earth Borer Dr. Gregor Vassilych poured himself a drink from the flask in his bottom desk drawer. Then he looked to the corner of the room, “See what I have to deal with?” he asked.

From the ceiling a tiny spider spun a thread and descended. Once it was about halfway down the insect began to change, as its shape unfolded into something larger and anthropomorphic, but hardly human.

“He is not a candidate for your proposed consortium, is he?” Majutsushi Kumo, the Spider Magician wondered in heavily accented Japanese.

“No. While the Hole Man has been a valuable client, he doesn’t possess the necessary skill set to join us.”

“Unlike me,” the arachnid/demon used one of his segmented arms to adjust the high collar to his robes.

“You are the Sorcerer Superior, not to mention the natural choice to assume command of the Yakuza Spider Cult,” Factor X exposited.

“Both these things are true, and yet they do not explain why you think I would want to be part of your group.”

“Because, old friend, this is an opportunity for all of us. If we organize, and plan, and strike when our enemies are weakest, the world will be ours.”

“Enemies?” Majutsushi Kumo asked.

“The heroes. The Lair Legion, and those who choose to ally with them,” Dr. Vasillych speechified, “For too long we’ve let them set the agenda, content with the scraps we were able to pick while their attentions were elsewhere. But if we unite, we can win. We will silence the voice of authority, raze the safeguards of the establishment, and bring chaos to the civilized world. And that will make us very rich.”

The Spider Magician stroked his goatee. The idea had merit, but, “Masamune will not let you destroy the Legion. Nor will the Hooded Hood.”

“The Hooded Hood is Yesterday’s Man, perhaps quite literally, if our current intelligence is correct. And as for Madame Akiko,” Factor X smiled, “We are counting on her interference. What better way to show our villainous brethren that the old order is weak and needs to be replaced than to go after one of the worst offenders?”

Majutsushi Kumo thought about the Russian’s proposal, and what it meant for him. Wealth and physical power did not interest him; knowledge did. And there was only one way he could truly become the Master of the Mystic Crafts…

“I accept your terms, Gregor Vasillych.”

Factor X poured himself another glass of scotch, held it up to his last recruit, and toasted, “Here’s to CRIME.”

To Be Continued

Footnotes:


Factor X, (Dr. Gregor Vassilych) the greatest foe Mr. Epitome never faced, former Soviet spymaster used his KGB connections to build himself a profitable practice as a middle-man between different criminal groups. If someone needs an army of cyborg mutants, Factor X would be the man to go to. If a cyborg mutant is looking for work, Factor X would be the man to call. Vassilych is suave, brilliant, and ruthless, so of course he looks like Vincent Price. X’s key advisor is a powerful telepath known as The Mind’s Eye (Nadezhda "Nadya" Prokofiev).

The first mention of Factor X’s plan to put together a criminal conspiracy took place here:

http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?msg=parodyverse-20060615044557

He begins his recruitment drive here:

http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?msg=parodyverse-20060714013902

And we were introduced to two more members of his “board” here:

http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?msg=parodyverse-20061124081052

Now, as for the other villains:

Hole Man first showed up in one of Ian’s Untold Tales, but he’s appeared in a few of my stories as well. He’s a misanthropic dwarf who lives underground and commands an army of subterranean monsters to do his bidding. His plans for the moment are unclear, but posters with a keen memory might recall this little dangling plot point:

http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?msg=parodyverse-20050320165941

Majutsushi Kumo, the Spider Magician: has never put in an appearance before in the PVB. His family has, though: the Yakuza Spider Cult was a gang of human/demon hybrids who caused problems for Paradopolis’s premier crimelord Akiko Masamune and the Lair Legion during the would-be epic storyline “Three Families,” of which there are too many links to post here. Factor X dubs him the “Sorcerer Superior”, which may mean when it comes to the area of wizardry there is only one in the Parodyverse who is greater….

And to further pad the story, a cast list:


Mr. Epitome: Michael Muhney played the egotistical, amoral prick Sheriff Don Lamb on “Veronica Mars”. He’s got the right height and build to play the equally prickish Paragon of Power.




Katarina Allen: Fellow Louisianan Reese Witherspoon has the looks and acting chops to play the seemingly vulnerable yet strong willed Kat.



Master Sergeant William Allen: ideally would be played by Robert Duvall from his days as the “Great Santini,” but I like Billy Bob Thornton for the part. He’s around the right age, he’s got the accent, and he can play intimidating characters.



Factor X: He’d need to grow a pencil-thin mustache, but Jonathan Pryce would do a fine job as the Middleman of Metacrime.



Hole Man: I always thought character actor Wallace Shawn would have made a great Doctor Octopus, but he could play a variant of Marvel Comics’ other stunted myopic master criminal.



Tandi the Recovering Sexbot: The choice I’ll probably catch some flack for, but Jessica Simpson seems an ideal candidate to play the somewhat dingy but sweet natured creation of Professor Pervo.








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